But... Where's My Second Chance?

Hello! Hello!! Hi! My small audience, I've come back to ask you something!

What would you do if you had a chance to live part of your life over?

Right, right, you want to know where this is coming from. Recently I've been going about my life, living in a fantasy of sorts. It's probably no surprise but I still live at home with my mum, that's how I have the freedom to rant about nonsense online.

That being said, I started this blog like years back so much so that I was still in high school and loudly suffering through my own teenage problems not really looking at the big picture. It's safe to say I thought things would get better after high school, a job would just land before me and I'd have a successful college life, of course I don't mean graduating top in my class, but graduating was in the picture. Anyway, considering what I saw in the media and what seemed to make sense, I just said told me that time would fix everything. But who knew you had to also put effort into things. Now here I am, looking through classifieds for odd jobs, and putting my information all over the internet in hopes to get my junk truck of a life back on track. So for the past three days, I've been asking myself what I would change if I had do-over.

This comes from an anime binge that I did over the weekend. The anime of choice, ReLIFE, it was a sweet distraction from my upcoming demise, and interesting at that. I won't go into much, just a basic summary. It's about a guy who is shit out of luck in his life and is offered an opportunity to change his life by becoming a test subject for an experiment where he becomes a high school student. That is all I can say without spoiling it.

Watching this anime somehow made me realize that there are people in dying need of a second chance, whether to make their life better or worse, but really when you're shit out of luck, you're out of luck, am I right? Ah, what do I know, there are success stories happening every day. People helplessly making their way through the shit-storm called life... I take my hat of to you.

Now, I'm wondering, at what point would you change your life? After high school? Middle of high school? Middle of that failed marriage? Probably the middle of the failed marriage...

Anyway! It's 2 am in the city that should be asleep. and that's what I plan to do as well. I hope you NEETs send me all your love and care so that we can get out of this rut together... I'm sending you all my support, and I want yours as well, don't be stingy!

Adios, my lurkers!!!

Make Your Mark In His Heart!

Hello my beautiful Lurkers, I know I haven't put up a new post in such a long time, I feel bad for the no one that reads this. Anyway, I'm here to give out advice!

So it seems you're a girl who is really having a sad case of the feelings for a person you are trying not to have feelings for, your bestie, your secret crush, your best friend's boyfriend who seems to spend a lot of time with you, and you don't know why he would do such a thing when he has a perfectly nice girl who loves him unconditionally. You know, that guy or gal you're really feeling, that makes your heart flutter when they say hi to you.

I see that you're thinking of finally confessing to this person, after so much started happening between the two of you. Yoli is here to tell you to do it. DO IT!

Yes, overused GIF, I'm not blind.

But here's really what I'm trying to say, we as girls, women, ladies, gals, or whatever, shouldn't be sitting around waiting around for a prince charming. From my experience with Abby, I can honestly say there was a point where I was doubting myself, thinking this could easily fuck everything up. I think it's given that we never want to lose a friend because of conflicting emotions, which is why we call feelings a disease, right?

Anyway, We're not talking about me, but we are talking about people who have been waiting for the crush to say something first. You do it first, but here's my sound advice for dealing with rejection or that "I don't know, I need time" LOWER YOUR STANDARDS! My standards are so low that there's literally not a single person around me that meets them.

Ok, maybe don't lower the standards, but I do say this, prepare yourself for every single possible answer. Crush says no way, You simply agree, cry when you get home, because that bitch does not deserve to see you cry, you know if you feel you need to cry.

If Crush says I don't see you that way, it's gonna be tough. This person will still be in your life, but you might need to give yourself some distance to try and recollect yourself, before you feel ready to really continue that friendship. And if you're anything like me, keep your Tinder profile super active, swipe right on everyone and a half, Prince Charming is bound to be there once you push past the sea of dick pics and inappropriate messages.

I don't know what to tell you if your crush says yes, but I'm assuming you'd be happy. Go for it, be happy for as long as you two are happy.

I should get more serious. What I'm saying is that we shouldn't be afraid to say what we really feel, there's a possibility that we're letting these wonderful opportunities to fall in love slip through our fingers because we were waiting for them to say it first. And maybe there will be a time when you finally find the courage to actually confess, and you get rejected by that one you thought would bring you happiness and maybe three kids, moving on can be hard, but being hard on yourself is harder.

Get it out of the way and be happy with you!

Good night, my lovelies!

General Sadness

Let's address an issue and try desperately find a way to make it all seem just dandy.

Binge eating, over-eating, compulsive behavior, if you will. I must warn you though, I will be throwing my name around because I just found out this blog cannot be found right off the bat. I have an odd name, Yolimary, I mean if you can't think to put Yoli and Mary together, I'm basically invisible, by mistake, at that.

Yeah, I care now, so what? I want to be seen, too!

Well, this lovely midnight, I was stuck in a never ending loop with my mom about why I'm unsatisfied in life, well, shit happens, I'm never usually happy, and I mentioned that the only think that really brings me a sense of satisfaction is when I eat, and I guess I've decided that I would use eating as a way of coping with everyone's shit. But I realized that though it's super subtle, it's ever present, like a person could be talking to me and I'd very calm eating whatever I just bought, but the other person can't prove that I haven't already had three of the thing I was just eating. Point being, yes, I overeat when I find myself in an unavoidable situation. If eating gave life cancer, I'd never see remission.

Ahh, here we go again. I should say this, though: eating a lot to make yourself feel good well, it feels like it's working, but it's really not, it's just causing another set of problems, like a dependency for eating whenever something stresses you out, diabetes heart complications if you begin to gain a lot of weight, general badness to your health. It's a scary thing because unlike drugs and certain alcohol, it's not difficult to just walk into a 7-eleven and buy them out if your having a really shitty day. I've realized this, and to be honest the easiness of coming across food is the only thing that keeps me away from that prescription drug overdose that's just waiting calmly for me across the street.

I don't think I can lie about this, suicide is unfortunately across the street from there, Things aren't excellent, for the most part things are never excellent, it hasn't been for years. But let's not cross that bridge until we get there. We're still talking about the dangerously therapeutic qualities of food.

Food, food, food... There are seemingly different reasons why people do this binge eating, maybe they feel pent up, maybe they feel under a lot of stress, maybe some asshole called a person fat and they think that eating would make it better. I can't repeat this any more than I have, it feels like it's working, but that's a moment of happiness you'll only feel for that hour, then you have to hope that nothing else happens until you go to bed. This is why I'll take a Unisom and call it a night before any shit hits any fans.

May the Lord Be With You...

For the past few weeks, there's been a recurring thought in my head, and it's because of something my 6 year-old nephew had said. I think it was on a sunday, much like this cold NY Sunday, and I think I told him something about God because my mom is a die-hard Catholic, and he says, "I Don't believe in god because it doesn't matter." My mum and his mum lost their shit. I won't lie, so did I, I never thought that a child, much less my nephew who has gone to church with his Catholic grandmother would say something like that.

It's a scary thing when a kid outwardly says he doesn't believe in something he has no idea about. Kid's say the darndest things, amirite? Well, they scolded the sweet shit out of him for saying that, and I just sat there on the sidelines thinking, "there's something more."

Of course there was something more, not three weeks ago, he was over at my place for his winter recess and my mom called me Godless, and well she's right and the brat says it again. This time I jump in because I didn't like it (Ooh Yoli didn't like it). I asked him where he heard that and he said he heard from his teacher, but his teacher is clearly Jewish and incredibly attractive and I don't think they're the type to shit on other religions like their is the best, don't they have days of atonement or something? Anyway, I know someone is feeding him the anti-God propaganda, and I can't figure out who.

Religion, huh? I just want to make one thing extremely clear: I'm in no way a religious person, although I've been baptized (Saturdays and Sundays I'll never get back), come from a semi religious background, it's just not a part of my life. I used to say it;s because I can't be forced to leave my bed on a Sunday to sit in a room with a whole bunch of people, but it's more because I'm starting to feel a sense of enlightenment. I'm starting to see that not everything is black and white I don't care for atheists and agnostics are the religious form of Bisexuals. What I can say though is that I celebrate religion, it's one of those things that can either make us or break us. We'd be lost if we didn't believe in a higher being, but then again we'd still be lost if we didn't loosen our grip on said higher being (Homophobes).

Oh religion! People who get together to worship, share their stories, enjoy each other's company after worship, it's a sight to be seen. I live near a mosque and the muslims in my neighborhood either get up early for worship, and I've seen them a few times, during my nightscapades with the beautiful Abby, and I can honestly tell you I admire their dedication. 5 in the morning to bow to your god? Um here's an award for dedication.

I'm rambling, I guess, I've said what I needed to say. I mean, we get the gist, right? If not, religion is good, you don't have to be a part of it, but please don't disrespect people's beliefs because you don't understand it. Be aware and open your bloody mind, you're not the only ones in this world. Anyway, I bid you all a very good evening. Don't do anything Jesus wouldn't do!

We Are Family... Or Are We?

Hey guys, so I'm here to tell you a story, it doesn't affect me personally but names have to be changed in hopes that if someday my blog reaches a larger audience and someone finds out I'm talking smack about them, hehe...

As the title suggests, this time I'll be talking about family and a close friend of mine who we're going to call Frida.

For as long as I could remember, Frida has been in my life, not as a constant, but we grew up together, had a bit of the same interests,all that jazz. She was 2 years older than me, so as a kid, I totally looked up to her and thought she was the coolest person ever. Well, as we grew up, we weren't exactly drifting apart, but she was already reaching adulthood two years earlier than me, and all I could do was sit back and watch as the person I basically idolized grew before me. Now it all seems like we were simply friends, but it was more like we were fucking family, I used to stay with her grandmother when I was still in grade school, meaning, now you can't get me to leave her house any sooner.

Moving on! So now she's knocking on college's door, she's 18, I'm 16 and I'm still blindly idolizing her as my big sis, until one day, it's like she disappeared. She moved away to Michigan with her Mum, and in a way I was a little sad because I thought I would never see her again, she was pretty close to her mum and she was probably there for a good year or two before she came back home. Now things are a bit different, she somehow becomes a drifter, never staying put in one place, never keeping a phone number for long enough, she was everywhere yet nowhere.

Well, here's where the family thing comes into play. Because she's the definition of drifter, it seems there were a few spats between her and her family, making it seem like she's the victim, or as if the rest of the family was in the wrong, but basically, even though they speak the same language and there are literally no language barriers, there's a big heaping pile of miscommunication between her and her family. And it sucks because even though it's a family problem, I feel like if someone were to ask my two cents, I'd say she's in the wrong because she hasn't given herself an opportunity to really settle down and look at the big picture.

Here's a phrase I've been hearing lately: "...Permanent solution for temporary problems," now I know it's about suicide, but I feel like it can relate to her situation. I mean I feel like she could hash it out if they were to all sit down and talk and clear whatever misunderstandings are floating round each other, I mean it's not fair to stress her family out because she doesn't agree on something, but at the same time, we come from a culture where whatever the parent says is right and that sucks, it's not fair to us who are living in a different world. We're not in Honduras anymore, Mom!

Well there's my story. It's barely complete, but like I said, it's just a tidbit of what's going on in my end of the world. Check you sexy monsters later!

Is Word Count Really Important?

Hey guys, it's me! Yes, yes! It's me. I'm here to ask questions that won't get any answers, but someone will see it and will understand!

So, I'm an avid fanfiction writer whenever I have the time, and right now, I'm sort of working one one that's really just for me. But I find myself in a predicament where I'm trying to make the story as complex and interesting as possible, but I'm worth crap at reaching the proper word count. Here's the thing, because there's always a thing to be "here'd", there are times when I find myself struggling to make the story as descriptive as I can all while trying to visualize myself in this world that someone created and I'm borrowing for the little time I'll be working on it. I can't say it's hard for me, but if the story is in first person, I can do it without a problem, making the reader feel like it's their story, but hen it comes to third person or biographical, I'm worth shit.

Yeah, yeah, you're probably thinking that I have the confidence sky high if even though I come up short compared to the 25% that actually write good fanfiction, or the 70% of writers who have a best selling, actually published book, I want you all to know that when I really put my mind to it, I can make a damn good story. Believe it or not, not too long ago, I went through my old desktop to see if there were things there that I would like to resurrect, and it turns out there is and I am bringing it back to life. No you don't get any details because you have no faith in me!

Well I have strayed, bad habits die hard. So here's where word count comes into play

Literary Emotions!

Yes, that rosy pink blush on her face as she realized her feelings for that man, or the boisterous laugh from the pompous ass of a superior. Fucking literary emotions. It's come to my attention that even though I can go out and experience almost 7 emotions during one walk in the city, I can't seem to get that perfect sequence of words to express the feeling I felt at that moment. Comparisons just aren't enough, I don't want my readers to wonder what the equivalent of a feeling is. When I write, I always end up saying something cheesy or cliche like "matter-of-factly" like there wasn't another way of writing it, or when I try describe the mix of emotions during a steamy scene between lovers, like you know the story of me and Abby, meaning I should have enough experience in being able to express these feelings into words. E.L. James had a better time doing this.

Ack, my question! Have you ever found yourself stuck trying to come up with words for something you really don't understand yourself? Ahh, you Lurkers are just that... Lurkers I'm already asking for too much from you. Have a good day you beautiful Lurkers.

Story Time! (How Fun! 100 views!)

Yes, yes yes! I managed to spark interest in probably 20-50 people, someone out there is willing to read what I write, and that truly makes me happy.

Well, it's already noon here in the city that people think never sleeps, and to be perfectly honest, I'm as exhausted as a car going nowhere. Anyway, for the past few days, I've been a doing some lurking of my own, and I stumbled upon an "article" about crushes and "ghosting" and all that gunk.

Understand: Love is a scary thing, especially when one-sided. Unrequited, whatever!

I'm here to tell you a story that will be change for convenience, you know just in case the other character of this story finally finds this blog and starts questioning me. So you know what, to make things slightly impossible for the other party to understand but at the same time know what I'm talking about, I'll become a lesbian for convenience (Note: Turns out I'm very straight, yet more attracted to gay men than anything).

Alright! Let's start this story almost three years back, when the internet was my life.

I met a person some time ago who to be perfectly honest, did think was my type, to make matters worse, I didn't think I even had a type to begin with, around that time, before slut shaming existed, I was slutting around town with two other humans shamelessly. Anyway, this person, we're going to call Abby, was a drifter who stumbled upon my profile online, so we started chatting and almost immediately I was a bit taken aback, but at the same time I was like, I like talking to Abby, she's a smarty-pants, she's really into her own thing, I really like her flow.

The comes a time when now we've moved from talking online to texting and that was when we took it one step further, skipping the "getting to know each other better" and the "dating" part of life, so we met up, but around then I wasn't too sure about adding another person into my life because I had somehow become a pet of some sort, and things were really awkward between Abby and I. In the end nothing happened and I wasn't expecting Abby to actually message me again, but she did, and even though I couldn't understand why she did it, I was happy.

Fast forward to the first time between us, it was rough but we got through it and once again i wasn't expecting Abby to text me, but she did, and I still didn't understand why but I was ok with it. NOt long after we're going back and forth and I find myself conflicted because I was having problems with dealing with loneliness at the time and I depended on Abby to keep me sane, so now I'm asking myself, "am I in love or am I lonely?"

Another fast forward to early last year, I feel as if Abby is quickly losing interest in me and I'm starting to get desperate. Talking to Abby made me so happy and at peace with things, she would often give me useless advice, but the fact that she made an effort made me see roses. Abby was sweet, awkward like me, really great to talk to and an all around good person, but at the same time, Abby wasn't seeing what I was seeing. It was as if all she saw in herself was just another person living day to day, with no purpose, that when I realized, whether it was love or lust I felt for Abby, nothing could change that I really cared about her and I didn't want her to lose interest in me at all.

This is long I know, but if you're reading my rants they only get longer with time.

But, alas, Abby disappeared for some time and to be honest, I was listening to too much Beyonce at the time to even give a fuck, but I was a little upset for the first month of her leaving me in the dust, but the second I realized it was time to focus on me and give myself the attention I needed. Thanks Mama Yonce, you always come through. So I went back to school and things were well.

Anyway, here's a summary of what's really going on, for the past few weeks, I've fallen victim to her ghosting, but here's the thing: soy Hispana, y que se joda!

But then again, if you love something, let it go, and if it comes back, it's yours.

Anyway my beautiful Lurkers, here's to hoping that I get 100 more views so that I can grace you with another story about who I am or who I could be. Adios~!